Wednesday, June 18, 2014

I'm Here, I'm Queer

   I wasn't really sure how to write or say this and I don't know when and at what point in my life I will be when I decide to actually post this. I'm not going to put a dramatic lead up to the big news because that just isn't me. As you can tell by the ever so obvious title, I'm gay. I'm attracted to girls and to be honest, it took me quite awhile to accept myself. When I was little, I always envisioned myself with that perfect boyfriend. You know that one that writes you songs and takes you on cute little dates and kisses you in the rain. I thought about my wedding day and that perfect man standing at the end of the aisle. I daydreamed about my high school boyfriend meeting my parents and how much they would adore him and how absolutely perfect he was. Throughout elementary school, I had a couple crushes on guys and movie stars (all male). I mean I grew up not knowing much about homosexuality aside from a girl in my class (who actually became one of my best friends later on) had two moms so I always figured that men were my only option. Since this was years ago, I can't really say whether or not I "like liked" these boys also for the reasons that I was an underdeveloped little girl. It wasn't until about early sixth grade or late fifth grade that I really figured out who I was and what gender I was attracted to. It started out with this weird feeling in my stomach whenever I saw a girl. It was like those butterflies that my mind convinced me into thinking were reserved for boys. Needless to say, this made me extremely frustrated. I mean I was dealing with the beginning of my anxiety disorder and extraordinarily low self esteem due to the fact I felt hideous so I just didn't seem to have the emotional capacity to handle this so I put these thoughts to the back of my mind and just tried to focus on getting a boyfriend like all the other immature sixth graders had.
   I remember the first time I ever came out to anyone ever. It was over google chat on a Thursday night with a boy in my homeroom, John. I'm not sure why or how it happened but I guess it just slipped and I said the word that defined most of sixth grade for me: "Bi". And that is how I identified myself for the next year. I think the reason why I chose to call myself bisexual is for I just wanted to hold onto the possibility that this wasn't an actual thing and I could still have a chance at normality. As many of you know, John is now one of my best friends ever and this just made the two of us closer. We would talk and talk about the wondrous world of sexuality and if I didn't have him as a friend, I would still be stuck in the same terrible place I was in the beginning.
   Seventh grade happened, and I lost about all my friends who knew about my little secret (my parents still didn't know) so when I started over with new people, I just didn't have the strength or courage to tell them due to the fact I thought they'd be creeped out and leave.  This is also when the world of relationships opened up to me. I was becoming less shy and all of a sudden, guys wanted to "hook up" (aka make out) with me which was unreal. I had a long distance boyfriend for two months that year and though he was such a sweet guy, I didn't feel anything and therefor we broke up. I kissed other boys throughout seventh grade but I never had another boyfriend or relationship since I put all my effort into making friends.
   This year is when things really began to come together and at the same time, fall apart. My sexuality was becoming what I felt to be, "a problem.". There was such a strong and obsessive need to put a label on who I liked and when I finally figured out who I was and what gender I was attracted to, I couldn't accept it and forced myself to "like" guys. I had a pretty great boyfriend for about two weeks. The two of us would send each other music recommendations and he was a really cool person overall. The thing was, the "feelings" I felt for him were beyond forced. I was pushing myself so hard for that perfect boyfriend when really, what my mind wanted was something totally different.
   The past few weeks have been great with coming out. I told Vivi one day when we were hanging out and I couldn't ask for a better reaction. Fiona was also someone who I found was essential to tell and I think we all know how great she is. My regular friend group is mainly made out of people who've known of my sexuality since the beginning but ever since I have been more open and ready to address it, they've been the best. Samantha, John, Emma, Sophia, and Eli have all given me their support I'm more than lucky be able to call such amazing people my friends (I forgot to mention the great "coming out performance" that we planned for my parents in which me, John, and Emma all rhythmically snap coming out of their bedroom closet- there's also a whole thing with Eli in a unicorn costume and Tyler Oakley throwing glitter-it's great). Needless to say, my friends are the most wonderful people ever. Coming out to my parents was a bit harder. For starters, I couldn't be anymore nervous. I knew they'd be accepting but the fear of them not understanding freaked me out. When I finally sat them down, my throat tightened up and I couldn't seem to talk for quite awhile until I finally broke the news and they both immediately made me feel so relieved and loved.
   This post had quite a lot of anxiety and worry behind it for not only am I coming out to you guys with it but a lot of people at my school. I am blessed to live in such a wonderful and accepting town and bullying isn't a big fear of mine though the one thing I do want to emphasize is that I am no different now that I'm openly gay. I mean I am the same exact person I was before just I so happen to be a lesbian and that in no way changes my character. I am hoping you will take this well and support me just like many of you lovely people have in the past. I am also going to please ask anyone who is upset about this to not put anything in the comments and keep your opinions to yourself. Also, I'm going to clarify that though I cannot see into the future and confirm that this isn't just a phase, I have had these feelings for two years now and therefor I am certain that what I am feeling and the way I identify myself is true.
   Another thing that freaked me out was the actual post itself. I believe coming out is a pretty special and important thing especially since you've gotten to know me (and vice versa) for over a year and this is pretty big news. I felt a need to make this jumble of words inspirational or something like that when really, this is more me. I like the idea of just getting me feelings out to you guys and treating you more like friends than readers because that's how I think of most of you (at least everyone who has said hello!) so here I am or in the words of Jack Howard,
"I'm here, I'm queer."
     I'm going to end this post off on a comical note with a really awesome video by Tomska with Jack Howard in it because it's relevant enough. I love you guys to the moon and back and feel as though there is a weight being lifted off my shoulders with telling you.



  1. What happened to lorenzo.

    1. I'm sorry but that really doesn't concern you in anyway possible, thank you.