Monday, June 30, 2014

I Need Your Broken Promises

♥Blink 182 top: Hot Topic/DIY
♥Shorts: Forever21
♥Choker: DIY
♥I have this terrible haircut oh my god

♥Social Distortion tee: Hot Topic
♥Shorts: Forever21
♥Choker: DIY
♥Flower headband: Ricky's

♥Overalls: Forever21
♥Pink Floyd tee: thrift

Friday afternoon
♥My Chemical Romance tee: Hot Topic
♥Shorts: Forever21
♥Choker: DIY (I wear it seriously like everyday)

Saturday (Monumentour)
♥Crop top: H&M
♥Shorts: H&M 
♥Flannel: my granddad
♥Choker: DIY

Sunday, June 29, 2014

It Was Beautifully Depressing

   The past couple days have flown by so quickly I feel whiplash. My middle school life ended with more of a fizzle than a bang as the dinner dance came on Tuesday and then all of a sudden I was ejected into graduation where I was sleep deprived, sniffly, and couldn't get a grip on the fact that this was reality.
   Though I would absolutely love to bash the eighth grade dinner dance because I'm angsty teen who is incapable of appreciating anything, I actually had quite a nice time. One of my best friends, John, and I went as dates or "secret lovers" as I joked and a couple hours before, Emma, Sophia, Samantha, and I all got together at Emma's and prepped which included me throwing on my dress, applying makeup, and then spending the next hour snuggling with Emma's cat. John and Emma's boyfriend, Eli, then came over and we proceeded to take about a million pictures where I either looked super pissed or just downright stupid. The actual night was filled with a ton of dancing where I was super grateful I wore my Doc Martens instead of heels!
(left to right) Emma, Sam, Sophia, and me

(left to right) Eli, Emma, Samantha, Sophia, me, and John

My favorite picture from the night- John and I look trĂ© cute.

   Graduation was a complete blur. For starters, I was extraordinarily sleep deprived from the dinner dance and going to New York City on Monday so I was running on low energy and everything was rather slow and sluggish for me but I walked down the aisle of my middle school gym, sat down, and looked pretty for an hour before going home and crashing. One thing that actually made me grateful for going to the tedious ceremony was the sense of community I felt. I never really realized how many people I really do like at my school up until I realized many of us won't be talking to each other very often next year. I had a pretty surreal conversation with my ex-best friend inside Starbucks afterwards and though both of us are extremely different people, it was nice to catch up with her since I plan on the two of us not having much interaction next year. 
   As great as the dinner dance and that A+ nap I took on graduation day, nothing beats that first real day of Summer vacation. At around five, John, Emma, Samantha, Eli, and I all met up at a park in my town and had a pretty rad picnic consisting of a "brownie cake" by me (aka I made brownies and they all crumbled together), Pasta thanks to John, red velvet cupcakes that got flipped upside down made by Sam, fruit, and Thin Mints both provided by Emma and Eli. After laying down on the hill and eating, we packed up and began to explore the creek by the park. Emma and I basically followed along as the guys and Sam led us down to "the dark dark cave" which we decided not to explore in the end for no one wanted to ruin their shoes.
Our lovely picnic (featuring that A+ brownie cake)

View of the beginning of the creek. 
Eli explaining how to get out using the rocks on the side (this caused a lot of drama for me since I wasn't able to get myself out).
Samantha and John stepping on the rocks.

   The night ended at my house where the five of us curled up on the floor of my bedroom and talked. Eli then insisted going on the roof right outside the room and John followed along as Sam, Emma, and I just watched the gorgeous scene.
John on the roof.

   Things have been going quite fast and it's seriously hard to believe that summer has finally come because to be honest, I'm not really sure how I feel about it.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Guilty Pleasures (Playlist)

As if I haven't embarrassed myself enough on here, I made a play list exclusively made out of my guilty pleasures in music, including:
Heartbreak Girl- 5 Seconds Of Summer
♥Don't- Ed Sheeran
♥The Lucky One- Taylor Swift
♥I've Got Nothing- Chartjackers
♥Love Is On The Radio (Hopeful Live Mix)- McFly ft. Carrie Hope Fletcher
♥Faking My Own Suicide- Relient K
♥Nina- Ed Sheeran
♥Waterline- Jedward
♥Fancy- Iggy Azalea ft. Charlie XCX
♥She Looks So Perfect- 5 Seconds Of Summer

Monday, June 23, 2014

You and Me Are The Difference Between Real Love and The Love On TV

♥Legend Of Zelda Triforce Of Courage necklace: Etsy
♥Tank: Forever21 basics
♥Shorts: Forever21
♥Hoops: Xcessory
♥Choker: The Pulp Girls
♥Glasses: prescription 

♥Taylor Swift tank: thrift/DIY
♥Shorts: Forever21
♥Necklace: Forever21
♥Choker: DIY

♥Dress: thrift
♥Floral tights: Macy's
♥Necklace: Etsy
♥Sherlock pin: The Pulp Girls
♥Choker: DIY

♥Paramore tee: Hot Topic
♥Shorts: Forever21
♥Bird cage necklace: Pier One
♥Choker: The Pulp Girls
♥Headband: DIY
♥Pierce The Veil and Sleeping With Sirens buttons: Etsy

♥Pierce The Veil tank: Hot Topic
♥Shorts: Forever21
♥Choker: The Pulp Girls

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Youth Without Youth

    I'm not usually the person who enjoys being with others. I mainly push anyone away who wants to hang out and would much rather spend a day in my bedroom, alone, than out with friends. To sum it up, I'm a giant introvert. But Wednesday was just one of those exceptions.
   I'm sitting on the floor next to Sophia and John in his bedroom. Sam is up on a chair and Eli and Emma are laying down on a twin bed John converted into a couch. "Harry Potter and The Goblet Of Fire" is playing and Emma and I discuss the beauty of the Weasley family as Sophia whines about how we're talking too loud she can't concentrate. Eli thinks it's funny to criticize the entire thing for it gets all of us (with the exception of John since he's never read the books) angry as he laughs about something no one cares about. The entire scene is just so calm and nice and makes me feel like everything is fine because it really is.
   Later on, John begins playing Grimes records as I go through his collection and muse about why Blue  by Joni Mitchell is a must listen though I am aware that no one is convinced. We choreograph some ridiculous dance and discuss the dinner dance which is in only a week (I'm going with John as friends or as I like to joke, "secret lovers") and I realize that people can actually be good company.
(Left to right) Sophia, Samantha, Emma, and Eli

Sam, Emma, John, and Eli on the steps outside Sophia's house

"make a serious face"

I continue to think this is cutest picture I've taken of my friends
John's bedroom

"pretend your on the cover of an indie album" (taken by John)

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Crooked Teeth (playlist)

   I'm really sorry for the whole mess that last week was- so much was going on that there wasn't much time for writing but I promise to get back to the regular schedule this week! Here's just a quick playlist of my favorite songs at the moment including:
-Crooked Teeth: Death Cab For Cutie
-Alpha Dog: Fall Out Boy
-If Taylor Taught Me Anything: Bethan Mary Leadley
-One Song Away: Cassadee Pope
-Come Together: Echosmith
-OMYGOD!: Kate Nash
-Photobooth: Death Cab For Cutie
-Paper Gangsta: Lady Gaga
-Second Go: Lights
-A Song About A Girl: Luke Cutforth

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

I'm Here, I'm Queer

   I wasn't really sure how to write or say this and I don't know when and at what point in my life I will be when I decide to actually post this. I'm not going to put a dramatic lead up to the big news because that just isn't me. As you can tell by the ever so obvious title, I'm gay. I'm attracted to girls and to be honest, it took me quite awhile to accept myself. When I was little, I always envisioned myself with that perfect boyfriend. You know that one that writes you songs and takes you on cute little dates and kisses you in the rain. I thought about my wedding day and that perfect man standing at the end of the aisle. I daydreamed about my high school boyfriend meeting my parents and how much they would adore him and how absolutely perfect he was. Throughout elementary school, I had a couple crushes on guys and movie stars (all male). I mean I grew up not knowing much about homosexuality aside from a girl in my class (who actually became one of my best friends later on) had two moms so I always figured that men were my only option. Since this was years ago, I can't really say whether or not I "like liked" these boys also for the reasons that I was an underdeveloped little girl. It wasn't until about early sixth grade or late fifth grade that I really figured out who I was and what gender I was attracted to. It started out with this weird feeling in my stomach whenever I saw a girl. It was like those butterflies that my mind convinced me into thinking were reserved for boys. Needless to say, this made me extremely frustrated. I mean I was dealing with the beginning of my anxiety disorder and extraordinarily low self esteem due to the fact I felt hideous so I just didn't seem to have the emotional capacity to handle this so I put these thoughts to the back of my mind and just tried to focus on getting a boyfriend like all the other immature sixth graders had.
   I remember the first time I ever came out to anyone ever. It was over google chat on a Thursday night with a boy in my homeroom, John. I'm not sure why or how it happened but I guess it just slipped and I said the word that defined most of sixth grade for me: "Bi". And that is how I identified myself for the next year. I think the reason why I chose to call myself bisexual is for I just wanted to hold onto the possibility that this wasn't an actual thing and I could still have a chance at normality. As many of you know, John is now one of my best friends ever and this just made the two of us closer. We would talk and talk about the wondrous world of sexuality and if I didn't have him as a friend, I would still be stuck in the same terrible place I was in the beginning.
   Seventh grade happened, and I lost about all my friends who knew about my little secret (my parents still didn't know) so when I started over with new people, I just didn't have the strength or courage to tell them due to the fact I thought they'd be creeped out and leave.  This is also when the world of relationships opened up to me. I was becoming less shy and all of a sudden, guys wanted to "hook up" (aka make out) with me which was unreal. I had a long distance boyfriend for two months that year and though he was such a sweet guy, I didn't feel anything and therefor we broke up. I kissed other boys throughout seventh grade but I never had another boyfriend or relationship since I put all my effort into making friends.
   This year is when things really began to come together and at the same time, fall apart. My sexuality was becoming what I felt to be, "a problem.". There was such a strong and obsessive need to put a label on who I liked and when I finally figured out who I was and what gender I was attracted to, I couldn't accept it and forced myself to "like" guys. I had a pretty great boyfriend for about two weeks. The two of us would send each other music recommendations and he was a really cool person overall. The thing was, the "feelings" I felt for him were beyond forced. I was pushing myself so hard for that perfect boyfriend when really, what my mind wanted was something totally different.
   The past few weeks have been great with coming out. I told Vivi one day when we were hanging out and I couldn't ask for a better reaction. Fiona was also someone who I found was essential to tell and I think we all know how great she is. My regular friend group is mainly made out of people who've known of my sexuality since the beginning but ever since I have been more open and ready to address it, they've been the best. Samantha, John, Emma, Sophia, and Eli have all given me their support I'm more than lucky be able to call such amazing people my friends (I forgot to mention the great "coming out performance" that we planned for my parents in which me, John, and Emma all rhythmically snap coming out of their bedroom closet- there's also a whole thing with Eli in a unicorn costume and Tyler Oakley throwing glitter-it's great). Needless to say, my friends are the most wonderful people ever. Coming out to my parents was a bit harder. For starters, I couldn't be anymore nervous. I knew they'd be accepting but the fear of them not understanding freaked me out. When I finally sat them down, my throat tightened up and I couldn't seem to talk for quite awhile until I finally broke the news and they both immediately made me feel so relieved and loved.
   This post had quite a lot of anxiety and worry behind it for not only am I coming out to you guys with it but a lot of people at my school. I am blessed to live in such a wonderful and accepting town and bullying isn't a big fear of mine though the one thing I do want to emphasize is that I am no different now that I'm openly gay. I mean I am the same exact person I was before just I so happen to be a lesbian and that in no way changes my character. I am hoping you will take this well and support me just like many of you lovely people have in the past. I am also going to please ask anyone who is upset about this to not put anything in the comments and keep your opinions to yourself. Also, I'm going to clarify that though I cannot see into the future and confirm that this isn't just a phase, I have had these feelings for two years now and therefor I am certain that what I am feeling and the way I identify myself is true.
   Another thing that freaked me out was the actual post itself. I believe coming out is a pretty special and important thing especially since you've gotten to know me (and vice versa) for over a year and this is pretty big news. I felt a need to make this jumble of words inspirational or something like that when really, this is more me. I like the idea of just getting me feelings out to you guys and treating you more like friends than readers because that's how I think of most of you (at least everyone who has said hello!) so here I am or in the words of Jack Howard,
"I'm here, I'm queer."
     I'm going to end this post off on a comical note with a really awesome video by Tomska with Jack Howard in it because it's relevant enough. I love you guys to the moon and back and feel as though there is a weight being lifted off my shoulders with telling you.


Monday, June 16, 2014

My Teen Angst Bullshit Has A Body Count

♥Shirt: The Pulp Girls
♥Shorts: Forever21

♥Top: Urban Outfitters
♥Skirt: Hand me down

♥Dress: Nordstrom BP
♥Flannel: My grandpa
♥Necklace: Forever21

♥Top: designed by my aunt
♥Shorts: Forever21
♥Choker: DIY
♥Evan Peters button: The Pulp Girls

♥Top: H&M
♥Skirt: Thrift
♥Sam and Dean button: The Pulp Girls

♥Pink Floyd tee: thrift
♥Skirt: Forever21 
♥Bird cage necklace: Pier One

♥Top: Forever21 Basics
♥Shorts: Forever21 (I wore them like three times this week I know I'm gross)
♥Sherlock button: The Pulp Girls