Thursday, March 22, 2018

i think everything i love is leaving me but i also think i grow too attached to things

i started this blog in 2013 (??). i was thirteen years old.
i spent my afternoons obsessively producing quantity over quality posts. and i loved it. i really did. as detached ive grown from this space, i subconsciously thank it every day for teaching me how to create. i really wish i hadnt lost that.
its really hard for me to write now. im unsure if ive grown addicted to mindless technology or if thats just a coping mechanism so i dont have to make things i dont like.
i really cant pinpoint exactly when i stopped feeling the motivation to do anything that would require actual effort in writing. i want to saw it was the depression but it was something a lot deeper than that. i think i just got into the mindset that theres no point in making if its not something that immediately satisfies me. i cant even begin to describe how frustrating and debilitating this is.
now when people question if im "still doing that blog thing" its really hard to answer. because i do it every day in my head. and i love it. but that doesnt really count.
i want to put out there that this was prompted by me listening to new panic! at the disco singles while driving home from the doctor's office. which is kind of hilarious. it wasnt the sheer badness of it. it was just the idea that everything moved on. and that i didnt realize how much objects or concepts like bands and clothes and books mattered to me. but it hit me that the world moved along in the same way i did. all so weird.

Thursday, March 8, 2018

possibly my angsty-est playlist ever

I'm back with a playlist of songs I've been listening to at the moment. I'm sorry if I'm really horribly inconsistent but it's just because I feel like I can't write anymore. I'm sorry if this is all just Sufjan Stevens. I'm now realizing he's really just what I've had on repeat and I wanted to make it somewhat authentic unlike others where I was just trying to flex how cultured I am. I'm now just going to talk about Sufjan Stevens and some other honorable mentions I guess. If you all weren't aware, this post was just an excuse to talk about Sufjan Stevens. Sufjan Stevens.

-City of Roses + Wallowa Lake Monster, Sufjan Stevens

I hate to be that person but Wallowa Lake Monster literally brought me to tears the other day whilst I laying on my bed staring at the empty ceiling. Both of these off of The Greatest Gift are so unarguably gorgeous it's hard not to give your full attention to them.

-Watch, Billie Eilish 

Just such a good GRL PWR bop. I love how vulnerable yet savage (for lack of a better word) Billie Eilish gets (didn't make it but that hot "sorry...psych" is such a hit). I also may or may not have tried to get my hair to look like hers and accidentally dyed it a dark purple. Oops.

-Fake I.D, Joyce Manor

A couple months back, Ella and I saw Joyce Manor in Williamsburg and it was just such a beautiful night. This song brings back such good memories of moshing, running to the subway, and eating Ethiopian food, all with my best friend. Also in case you were wondering, it's perfect to cry to on the F on a Sunday night.

-Clout 9 + Phaggot, Lil Phag

These are just simply bops. Like undeniably fun. I like to rate songs on how good they are in cars and my final decision is that Lil Phag is probably the best as long as you're not the one driving.

-Waltz #2 (XO), Elliot Smith

This has become part of me and Ella's constant rotation to play in my car on weekend mornings (next to "Crazy Frog" and "DONTTRUSTME"). Our classic line every time before putting it on is "are we ready for this?". Honestly I'm amazed I haven't gotten over the intense emotions of melancholy I receive from this song. Especially that "you're no good" part. God.

-Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want, The Smiths 

If the depressing angstiness of Sufjan/Elliot Smith doesn't work, I always love a good whiny Smiths song.

-Visions of Gideon, Sufjan Stevens

Twenty minutes after seeing Call Me By Your Name, I made plans to see it the next week just due to the beauty I felt I hadn't fully retained from the film. Yet after seeing it for that second time, I realized the only scene I really felt the need to see was the last. Though Timothy' Chalamet's outfit definitely did strike me (I've been searching replicas of that blouse for weeks), it was how raw his performance was mixed with "Visions of Gideon". Honestly couldn't have done the song anymore justice.

-After the Storm, Kali Uchis (ft. Tyler the Creator and Bootsy Collins)

You haven't felt the full extent of this song's beauty until driving through warm weather with the windows down. Also the music video is one of my recent favorite looks.

you can listen to the full playlist here if you want to put yourself through that angst

all the love, 

Monday, October 16, 2017

(Slightly Late) September 2017 Favorites

Better late than never I guess. This month has been hectic and weird and everything I imagined it to be and more. I kind of hate doing these posts since I hate talking about products in such a tacky materialistic way but here we are. Cool.


-Feel like this section's only real use is to update on what Harry has done recently. ANYWAYS, I actually saw him last week at Radio City (tickets couresty of my friend's aunt who works for Columbia). The entire show was incredible- super minimal and Harry has become a perfect balance of Jagger and boyband. His recent Spotify session recording of "Girl Crush" is also noteworthy.


-NuMe's Octowand is kind of the greatest thing to happen to my hair recently (ok maybe my new Farrah Fawcett-esque haircut was better but you get the point). When I say I didn't know how to curl hair before this, I really meant there was nothing my hair was working with to get that Goy Curl I've always dreamed of. (Also everyone ever has made the joke about them looking like dildos. It's not funny anymore.)

-This isn't new but I think it's weird I've never talked about it here with it being my holy grail. Do yourself a favor and start using witch hazel. My red toned skin has never been more even or clean. Seriously.


-I just got super into Community but also recently finished the latest season of Criminal Mind's on Netflix (my 8th grade self would be so disappointed to find out I was this late). I hate to say it was only because I wanted to see my true love, Matthew Gray Gubler, go to prison. Good stuff.

-I actually turned 18 last week and spent my last night as a "kid" watching Amelie and vomiting from eating too many raisinettes. I really do love Amelie. And raisinettes.


-I went to one of those 24 hour spas the other night and left my treasured copy of Ham and Rye on a couch I'd fallen asleep on. I really do miss it but also think it was a sign of some sort- really good book anyways. 

-Also after months, I've finally finished House of Leaves by Mark Z Danieleski and it was incredible. Still haunts me. Please read it. 

That's all I have to say. I really hate telling people to buy things but also have no other place to manifest my love in the tangible.


Monday, October 2, 2017

ONLY ANGEL (Harry Styles Album, +Secret Show)

(i never finished this post but it's here going strong) (this is obviously from may) (im sorry)
catch the back of my head 
For all those unaware, this Monday, the consistent love of my life, Harry Styles hosted a secret (invite only) show at Rough Trade in Brooklyn and due to my lovely friend Jules' aunt, we were able to witness the boy band messiah himself! I have far too much to say about the show itself, from the incredible intimacy, to the infamous stage dive (I was one of the lucky few to be completely body slammed! cool!), but alas have already sold my soul (piece) to Mad Sounds so check in super soon for that gem. Anyways, along with being pressed against a stage at a 50 person Harry Styles show (absolutely wild. wild.), I actually ended up being one of the even fewer attendees who got to meet him, which was a complete and total emotional roller coaster itself, amassing to being one of my most surreal experiences. I want to go more in depth than this but have been real anxious about writing at the moment and don't believe whatever I can produce will do this moment justice.

But yeah I've actually been feeling real nervous when it comes to writing as it seems whatever I create isn't as "legitimate" as I feel it should be which is quite silly since if this blog was based off professionalism, it'd be long dead. Going off this idea, I decided the only way to truly honor Harry's self titled was to do the least poetic way of a review and literally just go song by song with my every disconnected thought.

really beautiful harmonies and just an overall ace opener. I've been really living for this re branding and this song is just so calming and slightly ambiguous that it really just sets the mood for the rest- I also am really big fan of the simple lyrics that's kind of Front Bottoms-eque. Good stuff. Also that repetition of "gotta get better" is real catchy.

I've said this previously, but this sophomore track is the exact power ballad needed at the moment. Just a huge fan of the Bowie aspects put into production and I hate to be "that guy" but this one is absolutely breathtaking live. Just gorgeous.

So fun!! This was one of the four songs played at the Brooklyn show (Ever Since New York, Two Ghosts, and Sign of The Times being the others)- it was his first time doing it live and from the first second, it was a bop. First off, one of those ear worm-gets-stuck-in-your-head-forever ones but also includes some real interesting pieces like that high repeat of "situation" in the second verse that reminds me of The Beatles for some reason?? Also that "LA/LA/LA" part at the end? So good.

Without a doubt my favorite off the album- really easily gets stuck in your head but is just so pretty and lilting that it's enjoyable. Just such poetic lyrics and is one of those slow songs I can bop to.
Kind of sounds like a song I've head before that I don't think exists but still feels familiar.

Not a super fan of this one honestly- compared it to the "Little Things" of the album- boring yet kind of heartfelt enough. Not particularly interesting.

Style Icons, Actually: Jane Birkin

Forever and always Jane. Off the record, I was really that person who got bangs in order to emulate the British singer/actress. It's funny referring to Jane as my beacon of everything couture with her simple way of dressing but there's something timeless yet nostalgic about Lady Birkin's way of dressing. As horribly pretentious as it sounds, there's a sense of her aura I feel to emulate at all times. 

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Weekly Moodboard (3)

Yellow has taken over as my favorite color for the past few months, Leonardo DiCaprio is also a fan favorite but that's besides the point (not pictured: my newfound obsession with young Brad Pitt).  


Saturday, August 26, 2017

if it's just between us (+some favorites)

Things have been okay lately and I mean that in an indifferent manner. I haven't been in love with much but have been dying for the validation that others love me and found myself trapped this week hoping some guy thought I was intelligent because a small, yet ever so present, part of me longs for the word  "brilliant" to come out of a man's mouth in reference to me.
from a picnic in Tompkins with How Fitting old-timer, John
some misc things I'm into these days:
-Lorde's Melodrama, I used to be hardcore against the singer but think I've hit the perfect point in which every word that comes out that woman's mouth seems aimed at me. "Liability" is a lot for me but undoubtedly the greatest. Thank you Lorde for this one.
-Difficult People is also a hit at the moment for me. I'm always drawn to surreal and bizarre depictions of the narcissistic with shots of New York I can recognize. Billy Eichner you've done it again.
-Lavender incense deserves a real shoutout for helping me ease into my summer sleeping schedule/I've been trying this self curing technique for my chronic anxiety in which I continuously say "I'm not anxious" whenever I smell lavender in hopes that the scent of lavender will instantly cease my spiraling. As bizarre as it sounds, it's working surprisingly well.

-I kind of fell in love with Charli XCX's video for "Boys"??? It satisfied not only my emo phase (Brendon Urie laying amongst rose petals and Oli Sykes being his usual dapper self is enough to see the video) but that weird in between pastel goth "buy me candy floss and call me baby girl" period I had in sophomore year. Overall really good time and I'm unsure if it was commenting on the boy obsessed stereotype that is pushed on teenage girls but I thoroughly appreciated it regardless.
-My latest subway book has been Available by Matteson Perry- I don't think I've genuinely enjoyed reading something this much since Jessi Klein's You'll Grow Out of It. I actually originally heard of it through NPR's Modern Love podcast (something I *highly* rec) in which an excerpt of manic pixie dream girls was read- Perry is just so entertaining and I almost too much enjoy hearing of other's experiences in romance.
-Podcasts! Podcasts have resurfaced as my favorite thing (my ultimate dream of ending up as marketing director of NPR is yet to die) and I'd heavily recommend How I Built This (the Rent the Runway ep is a personal favorite, listening to Jenn Hyman speak about sexual harassment as a woman in power is incredible), This American Life  (a classic- the one on middle school continues to be my absolute favorite but they just recently did one on summer camp that I listened to on the way to a date and felt painful nostalgia for), and Mortified (this one is a little more lowbrow but very entertaining, I especially liked "Mortified Interrupted" in which in the second act, a man talks about how he convinced himself he was a writer/comedian/actor/musician when he'd done none of these things).

-I'm not going to pretend I like Neck Deep again but I was really feeling their video for "In Bloom". Nothing gets me like random artsy objects alongside pastel colors- it all reminded me of a concept for a Dazed or Wonderland editorial. I'd also be lying if I said I didn't vibe with the lyrics, I sometimes think I make up problems for myself to connect with moody pop punk but that whole "we're never going to put the pieces back together if you won't let me get better" bit got me on a weird level because I don't even understand how that situation connects to my life in any way, shape, or form. I blame it on my excessive empathy due to being an anxious-avoident lover.
-very vintage How Fitting but I made a playlist summing up my music taste over the past couple weeks- a lot of french pop and Jake Bugg. I think I'm just reliving another odd in between phase of mine.

Monday, July 31, 2017

weekly moodboard (2)

Been feeling more "posh" and "feminine" lately after a phase of getting kicks out of coming off as grimy and masc. I don't know what this newfound love for the matronly means but I'm trying to embrace it with its full force. 


Tuesday, July 25, 2017

weekly moodboard (1)

I thought if I did something simple and beautiful it'd get me back into blogging. I don't want to count on it but it is what it is. My recent fashion inspiration has stemmed from the likes of Michael Kelso off That 70s Show and that suit Harry Styles wore on SNL back in april. I'm becoming a senior in high school in a matter of a month or so and that's kind of wild I guess. I was stoop sitting with these people I didn't know last month but now love madly and wanted to stop and think about how fast and painfully slow my life has been lately. Like running down the subway steps with one of my new favorite people screaming after another, "you've never heard THAT story" in reference to everything wild I did as a freshman, reflecting on how beautiful it is that I am no longer that person and people don't know that.