Sunday Diary: Who You Are Is Not What You've Been

The air is brisk as I walk past all the same familiar homes. The leaves crunch under my favorite black boots. You can smell Autumn in the air. I walk up the stone pathway of the elementary school I used to attend. I soon stop and sit myself down on the prickly grass. It is slowly dying just like all the other nature around me. I am just there in the front of the school cross legged as I check my phone. I am not even really sure what I am doing here. I just like the scene. I like the welcoming doors and rainbow sign that tells you when all the events are. It sure is much happier and cheery than the middle school. I pick myself up, about to leave, when I spot three familiar steps. The same stone steps I sat on every morning of fifth grade. I used to always want to be the first to sit on them so I could brag to my friends. Now, I find there to be comfort in being the last to get to school. The setting is beyond peaceful. There are no cars or shouts or even voices to break this moment. I close my eyes, thinking back to my times in fifth grade. I used to cringe at every single one but now I am at peace with these experiences. My actions are not erasable and therefor the only thing I can really do is just not care about them anymore. As Taylor Swift once said, who you are is not what you've been. This makes me think about how I should really come to peace with all those terrible memories. So what if I was a bitch a year ago? As long as I am not that person in the present, I am fine.

-Ann

She Must Have Been Extraordinarily Beautiful Because The Mask She Wore Was Hideous

Here are my thoughts lately. I apolagize how unorganized and random they can be. Lately, everything seems to be mixed up in my head.

I really don't feel satisfied with myself at the moment. Not in the way that I hate myself but in the sense that I can't stand what I am making. I love blogging don't get me wrong but I am upset and unsatisfied for I just don't exactly want to wait for the things I want to do. You could possibly compare me to the song "Vienna" in which Billy Joel musically describes a child who is just so excited to start life. I am no doubt in the mindset of just a young girl who doesn't want to wait for life to begin.

I want to paint and write and take photos and make photo sets and videos. I want to write poetry in a cemetery or something or suddenly become a good singer and be in a band that wears an insane amount of eyeliner and makes you think of death and gets you all sad and stuff. I want to write songs and monologues and short videos and watch as the performers make my own work come to life and get all the credit so I can just sit there and be happy. 

With the theme of things that I want to create and experience in my time here on planet Earth, I am going to go to the ending paragraph from one of my favorite novels of all time, "Its Kind Of A Funny Story" by Ned Vizzini "Okay, I know you're thinking, "What is this? Kid spends a few days in the hospital and all his problems are cured?" But I'm not. I know I'm not. I can tell this is just the beginning. I still need to face my homework, my school, my friends. My dad. But the difference between today and last Saturday is that for the first time in a while, I can look forward to the things I want to do in my life. Bike, eat, drink, talk. Ride the subway, read, read maps. Make maps, make art. Finish the Gates application. Tell my dad not to stress about it. Hug my mom. Kiss my little sister. Kiss my dad. Make out with Noelle. Make out with her more. Take her on a picnic. See a movie with her. See a movie with Aaron. Heck, see a movie with Nia. Have a party. Tell people my story. Volunteer at 3 North. Help people like Bobby. Like Muqtada. Like me. Draw more. Draw a person. Draw a naked person. Draw Noelle naked. Run, travel, swim, skip. Yeah, I know it's lame, but, whatever. Skip anyway. Breathe... Live." 

So after having made a list of things, I am realizing what I really want to do: I want to breathe. I want to live. At the end of the book, Craig, the main character comes to the same realization I just did. These actions were given to me to complete and I should take them for they are mine. As groan worthy as it sounds, you can set anything you put your mind to. 

My head is kind of just mixed up at the moment and I don't even know what I am like anymore to the point where I become almost like a mirror in which I reflect what others want to see. I dress and act differently around different people to the point where I have almost lost a personality and just been a chameleon towards others. 

This post could be renamed "Ann Gets Really Random and Writes Her Mixed Up Thoughts Down Alongside Pictures Of Girls"

Picture Sources: Me, weheartit, me, Tumblr, me, Tumblr, weheartit