Sunday, July 20, 2014

The L Word

    The past few days have been pretty suffocating. I absolutely love FIT don't get me wrong but sometimes I tend to alienate myself. I don't know why but I feel so set apart from the girls in fashion entrepreneurship. It's not just because about all of them are about one million times prettier than me but the fact that I feel as though I need to be closed off from them as though anything I say will make them feel uncomfortable. For example, Thursday was the first time I ever felt uncomfortable and almost embarrassed about my sexuality in a group of people. I don't know why I felt so scared to just fucking admit that I in fact, wasn't attracted to the guys we were all gushing about cute boys but I just couldn't do it. And I realize that I don't need to drop the "L Bomb" every single second but I instead played along. Talked about the guys I would "kill to date" when in truth, I just felt worse and worse about myself. My sexuality has gotten me into some things that I really don't enjoy. I have soon realized that I don't want to be that "gay friend". I don't want to be thought of as anything but just a friend and I hate that some of the people I have been surrounding myself with are all of a sudden referring to me as their lesbian friend (this is a topic that needs a whole other post). Anyways, I guess what I'm feeling is stress. I am finally openly gay (something I have been wanting to be for years now) and all of a sudden, I'm realizing the real scary parts of it. Not to say that being a lesbian is something freaky but I do realize there are some struggles that come with it that no one straight will have to face. Such as yesterday when I got a rather strange message on my cover of "Kissing In Cars" asking me why I identified as bisexual (which I do not) and after explaining that I have zero attraction to boys, he proceeded to tell me what a minority I was (no shit) and how I couldn't possibly be gay. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm soon realizing that this is going to be something that will forever be a problem of mine but that won't stop me from be openly gay or pretending to be a straight girl as I have for the past two years.

No comments :

Post a Comment