i think everything i love is leaving me but i also think i grow too attached to things

i started this blog in 2013 (??). i was thirteen years old.
i spent my afternoons obsessively producing quantity over quality posts. and i loved it. i really did. as detached ive grown from this space, i subconsciously thank it every day for teaching me how to create. i really wish i hadnt lost that.
its really hard for me to write now. im unsure if ive grown addicted to mindless technology or if thats just a coping mechanism so i dont have to make things i dont like.
i really cant pinpoint exactly when i stopped feeling the motivation to do anything that would require actual effort in writing. i want to saw it was the depression but it was something a lot deeper than that. i think i just got into the mindset that theres no point in making if its not something that immediately satisfies me. i cant even begin to describe how frustrating and debilitating this is.
now when people question if im "still doing that blog thing" its really hard to answer. because i do it every day in my head. and i love it. but that doesnt really count.
i want to put out there that this was prompted by me listening to new panic! at the disco singles while driving home from the doctor's office. which is kind of hilarious. it wasnt the sheer badness of it. it was just the idea that everything moved on. and that i didnt realize how much objects or concepts like bands and clothes and books mattered to me. but it hit me that the world moved along in the same way i did. all so weird.

possibly my angsty-est playlist ever

I'm back with a playlist of songs I've been listening to at the moment. I'm sorry if I'm really horribly inconsistent but it's just because I feel like I can't write anymore. I'm sorry if this is all just Sufjan Stevens. I'm now realizing he's really just what I've had on repeat and I wanted to make it somewhat authentic unlike others where I was just trying to flex how cultured I am. I'm now just going to talk about Sufjan Stevens and some other honorable mentions I guess. If you all weren't aware, this post was just an excuse to talk about Sufjan Stevens. Sufjan Stevens.

-City of Roses + Wallowa Lake Monster, Sufjan Stevens

I hate to be that person but Wallowa Lake Monster literally brought me to tears the other day whilst I laying on my bed staring at the empty ceiling. Both of these off of The Greatest Gift are so unarguably gorgeous it's hard not to give your full attention to them.

-Watch, Billie Eilish 

Just such a good GRL PWR bop. I love how vulnerable yet savage (for lack of a better word) Billie Eilish gets (didn't make it but that hot "sorry...psych" is such a hit). I also may or may not have tried to get my hair to look like hers and accidentally dyed it a dark purple. Oops.

-Fake I.D, Joyce Manor

A couple months back, Ella and I saw Joyce Manor in Williamsburg and it was just such a beautiful night. This song brings back such good memories of moshing, running to the subway, and eating Ethiopian food, all with my best friend. Also in case you were wondering, it's perfect to cry to on the F on a Sunday night.

-Clout 9 + Phaggot, Lil Phag

These are just simply bops. Like undeniably fun. I like to rate songs on how good they are in cars and my final decision is that Lil Phag is probably the best as long as you're not the one driving.

-Waltz #2 (XO), Elliot Smith

This has become part of me and Ella's constant rotation to play in my car on weekend mornings (next to "Crazy Frog" and "DONTTRUSTME"). Our classic line every time before putting it on is "are we ready for this?". Honestly I'm amazed I haven't gotten over the intense emotions of melancholy I receive from this song. Especially that "you're no good" part. God.

-Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want, The Smiths 

If the depressing angstiness of Sufjan/Elliot Smith doesn't work, I always love a good whiny Smiths song.

-Visions of Gideon, Sufjan Stevens

Twenty minutes after seeing Call Me By Your Name, I made plans to see it the next week just due to the beauty I felt I hadn't fully retained from the film. Yet after seeing it for that second time, I realized the only scene I really felt the need to see was the last. Though Timothy' Chalamet's outfit definitely did strike me (I've been searching replicas of that blouse for weeks), it was how raw his performance was mixed with "Visions of Gideon". Honestly couldn't have done the song anymore justice.

-After the Storm, Kali Uchis (ft. Tyler the Creator and Bootsy Collins)

You haven't felt the full extent of this song's beauty until driving through warm weather with the windows down. Also the music video is one of my recent favorite looks.

you can listen to the full playlist here if you want to put yourself through that angst

all the love, 

Annie