Sweet Seventeen

Yesterday, I turned 17!! That's so wild considering that when How Fitting was founded, I was at the ripe age of 13 with no actual sense of self (not that I fully have one now, it's improvement.). It really just is amazing how oddly different and similar I am from the seventh grade version of myself imprinted on the Internet. Forever. Ugh.

Seventeen is a rather odd and awkward age to turn. First off, there's so much in between. It feels like I've been in between forever. In the words of Francine Pascal, "I am seventeen. The good things about seventeen is that you’re not sixteen. Sixteen goes with the word sweet, and I am so far from sweet." and I take some sort of connection with that- a lot of being seventeen is no longer being sixteen. I'm on the cusp of legal adulthood and I'm nervous and excited and happy to just kind of hang back and be seventeen and not sixteen and do adult things such as driving a car (horrible at it. terrible. never good idea.) yet fully shying away from anything with unappealing responsibility. 

Along with this is the copious amounts of media surrounding the age of seventeen. I mean if we want to bring it back to my infamous emo days, there's an All Time Low song that says, "stay seventeen" and for some reason I was like "god I really can't wait to be seventeen because of this shitty song"- with magazines titles and lines from Abba songs, seventeen seemed like some sort of club to thirteen year old Ann. Television and music and film and photography made sixteen a rather pressured year for me to constantly have fun and be spontaneous and "be sixteen" be sixteen. be sixteen. And I don't want to feel constantly like I'm wasting some "precious" year (I'll honestly forget in twenty years) whenever I'm not be cinematically worthy. That's a boring and exhausting way to live. 

I sobbed the night before my birthday. I was organizing my DVD collection and fantasizing over what I'm spending my first paycheck on (as in a JOB. I have a job that PAYS. How crazy is that??) and something stupid triggered it like my phone charger breaking or not being able to find the lens cap to one of my cameras and I just broke down. I love birthdays. I hate my birthday. Similar to my feeling of pressure to have a grand ol' time at sixteen years old, I always feel like my birthday has to be some sort of magical, wonderful, day and I hate that. I hate expectations. Along with this was the actual fear of aging. It feels like I've fast forwarded through everything and now here I am and I don't really know what to do with that. 

The actual daytime piece of my birthday was quite plain and simple and average. It was Kol Nidrei (eve of Yom Kippur) that night and so my parents (who were observing the holiday) did not go out to dinner with me, which I was quite emo over at first but in the end, there was really no point in getting upset over trivial things like this. I shot a couple of photos of my grand entrance into the Great Seventeen Club (aka photographic masturbation) on my stuffed animal covered bed. I ended up being quite typical and watching The Naked Brothers Band Movie on the tv I stole off the side of the road that one time   as I do for every other milestone of my life. 

me holding up one of Ben's gifts

Actual night of the big one seven: I cried. Multiple times. I ended up going out for burritos with Anh and Ben and sitting in the park dipping chips into rice and beans and reading through mixtape playlists and eating sponge cake and being upstairs in my bedroom playing guitar and hanging upside down off my bed. All very surreal.

bedroom scene 

Overall, I'm not sure where I'm at with birthdays. I guess I've reconciled the birthday curse and understand the lack of perfection within them and the triviality of it all. In the use of a cliche, overused, Bradbury quote, "I'm seventeen and I'm crazy. My uncle says the two always go together. When people ask your age, he said, always say seventeen and insane." I hope to take this year to become less impulsive, twitchy, and restless and all the more. 

sweet 17: gifts

NYFW SS17: The Outfits

SS17 New York Fashion Week has come and gone yet for some reason, I just never got around to showcasing my outfits until now. Anyways, Fashion Week was lovely and surreal as always, I ended up spending one of the nights wandering around chinatown with my best friend (who also took these photos!!), drinking bubble tea and gushing about how much I love them.

Though I was supposed to cover VFiles x Kye's show for Mimp, I ended up not getting past the elitist gates of the Soho location (despite literally being on the list and confirmed on multiple occasions). I did get to view Katie Gallagher's "Eclipse" however which was magical and beautiful and honestly the best line I actually got to see in person.

Top: H&M
Choker: Ebay
Skirt: TopShop
Boots: Docs

I went for a more casual look for this day due to my no actual obligation to see anything (Mimp was down for a couple runways but my second day was actually quite laid back). I ended up spending most of my time gushing over cute skater boys in Soho and Open Ceremony. Very productive.

Top: thrift
Skirt: TopShop
Shoes (not pictured): Birkenstocks
Choker: Forever21 (I know.)

Anyways, I'm already missin Fashion Week and the almost dystopian feel of it. I'm currently listening to the Shrek 2 soundtrack however which is dystopian within itself.

C-C-C-Changes

Hey. Things have been off and on and strange and stressful and so much is different, including my appearance, yet the same. That's quite odd since the last piece I wrote was a little less than a month ago but five inches of hair in a trashcan later, I look a little like this:

I don't believe I've ever looked more gross and more beautiful. I look much much more healthy however and I am! Junior year has been kind of wild within its first month and the wildest part is that this is the best I've been doing in school. Ever. The thing is I love going to school, I'm just never good at it. I hope to stay in school for the rest of my life honestly.

As the school year started, I've been shedding my summer with it and this sadly meant my departure from ethantheboyfriend. We left it on incredibly good terms which is rather out of the ordinary for me. Most of my breakups end in a bout of tears followed by months of pent up resentment towards each other. I rehearsed my breakup speech over and over again too and none of it went as planned, I hoped for more anger. I know how to work with anger as opposed to understanding. Anyways, I'm doing good after this ending; there are some random bouts of emptiness that are all superficial however. I'm doing good. I'm doing good. I've been around the block with breaking up (only in the corner of being the instigator however), and have just been focusing on myself which sounds corny, but in essence is quite nice. Thinking bout writing an actual blogpost about this though due to the various relationships How Fitting has encountered and how seemingly cavalierly they seem to end.

Going off that topic, I've finally decided I've got to start writing on this at least once every two weeks again. I know I know I say this over and over again but I honestly need to. In all honestly, How Fitting has been the only real constant in my life (exaggeration: I mean my hobbies/work) since I was thirteen years old and that seems a shame to drop. There's so many holes from when I dropped this site during my mass of depression last year and that's not particularly cool!

What have I been doing what have I been doing: Mad Sounds has been a big thing recently. Meaning I'm writing for them every week which is *crazy*. It's a lot. Along with that is my recent post on Written Citizen about Christian Siriano SS17 because OHMYGOD I went to fashion week and didn't even talk about it (which I do every year but somehow didn't get around to ???) !! My NYFW outfits (which is long long overdue) should be up tomorrow. This is a high level of disorganization I'm going crazy over.
Anyways, I've missed this space as always. Let's see how this goes.

(also hope this signature change is appreciated due to the amount of MySpace aesthetic websites I had to visit to make this)

She's Been Gone Since That Summer

As the Summer has been winding down, so has the times I've actually left the house (procrastinated summer assignments are slowly killing me). Enjoy me celebrating and documenting the last hoorahs of the summer before my junior year (whoa that's wild).

roller disco!!

Pier One rink in Brooklyn with my sister- I was just getting good when I fell (I felt it for the next 2 weeks. fun.)

Me looking actually presentable in SoHo after a good three hours of skating. 

Me and Fee!! The true love of my life came back to the city after over a year- a lot of gossip and coffee at The Bean was shared. It's incredible to think the two of us have been friends for nearly four years and how weird and wonderful it has been to see the two of us grow up and into ourselves. 

Ethan The Boyfriend in Dizzy's after returning from Amsterdam. Beautiful as always, complete with a beard. 

very very horrible photo of brooklyn's hottest couple. 

kind of hilariously horrible photo of me caught in the rain after seeing a movie. Photo and jacket credit to ethantheboyfriend. 

After being separated for far too long, I was reunited with my best friends ever, Ben and Anh. Here is a picture of me and Ben basically creating Cole Sprouse's greatest work. 

Ben in Washington Sq Park looking beautiful as always. 

Actual angel in my life, Anh, reacting to a keychain from Ben that reads "Bahama Mama"

Anh being a pixie in the digital age. 

RIP Summer 2016. 

*title from the only good song ever, "Summer Girls", by LFO. 

Putting Yourself First (and why it's important)

   
    I'm always worried about other people's feelings and that's great. What's not so great is when I get more in tune with them than myself. And I tend to end up going through pain and harm so I can remain on good terms with these people and save everyone's feelings. But that doesn't always work. I think I'm in a situation currently and have indulged relationships with people who don't really have my best interest at heart and know how much of a push over I can be. Or just assume that since I let something slide or apologized for a fight that I'm not actually sorry for, anything goes. And that's kind of true. Because when I look at the grand scheme of things, my feelings are first. I mean they are mine. Yet when I'm in situations with others, I get scared of rejection and hatred that I let everyone else win. Except I lose. And that hurts. And I'm not sorry for most of the fights and arguments I say I'm sorry for, instead I just resent these people more and more until it builds up inside of me and creates horrible manifestations of agitation and frustration with them and myself. And that's not ok. And it's not fair for anyone.
   Putting yourself first is SO SO important. I cannot stress that enough. Your feelings are yours and sometimes, you hurt. And sometimes, other people's feelings can't be top priority. Along with this is how counterproductive it is to not express your own feelings when in an argument or talking a situation out. Though it will pause the fight in the moment, resentment is almost inevitable at building up and will ultimately break at some point, causing a much larger issue that could have been prevented.
   Self care is always essential and checking in on your own feelings is too. Though certain events may cause for an evaluation at the other's ideas and opinions, and certain things may have to happen that hurt your feelings, not taking care of yourself and letting yourself be hurt repeatedly, isn't the answer.

Heartbeat In the Brain (picto-diary)

This weekend has been kind of surreal and wonderful and beautiful and so many other positive adjectives that still can't do these memories justice. Prepare for an array of rooftop views.

Summer Shandy (Picto-Diary)

    Things have been pretty hectic and exciting and incredible lately. Since my last post, about a week ago, I have moved to the Upper East Side, began dating someone new and wonderful, and found a tv on the side of the road with my sister.

Me with my most prized possession. It only plays DVDs so I had to dig up some of my thrift shop finds from years ago, needless to say, the Naked Brothers Band Movie is much better on disc.

The NBB film is actually incredibly (and non ironically) good. There's just enough drama and hidden messages (ex: Alex's soda drinking addiction after the band splits) that watching it for the first time in awhile is an extremely enjoyable experience. 10/10 would recommend.

Just a pretty pic of the state of my room currently. (ft: a dog cup a person I went on 2 dates with gave me, my dead cactus, Sally, and an empty soda bottle filled with dollar store fake flowers).

HUGE perk of my place is how close to Central Park I've been (about a ten minute walk)- these townhouses by the park entrance are so dreamy.

Shot of my friend on one of the rocks in CP. Prior to a conversation of various restaurants we'd take bullets for (Yummy Taco and Amish Market were top of the list).

My two best friends in the whole wide world, Anh and Ben. We'd gone to the Whitney fifteen minutes before closing and just ended up looking at books and heading to Chelsea Market. I love these people so much honestly. Wow.

David Bowie memorial outside the American Apparel (ew) in SoHo. Ground control to Major Tom.

Leslie Lohman LGBT Art Gallery. I hadn't been since December (??) and went to their stunning gallery opening on Friday. Such beautiful pieces on gender and identity this month.

Me and a couple buds completely beat at Monk Vintage in Williamsburg. Long day running around and I felt as though I could just melt into that couch.

My (Latest) Cosmetic Crushes

   With the summer (pretty much) in full swing, I've taken to switching up the products I've been using all year and though I've definitely had some misses, here's a couple of the gems I've come across.