C-C-C-Changes

Hey. Things have been off and on and strange and stressful and so much is different, including my appearance, yet the same. That's quite odd since the last piece I wrote was a little less than a month ago but five inches of hair in a trashcan later, I look a little like this:

I don't believe I've ever looked more gross and more beautiful. I look much much more healthy however and I am! Junior year has been kind of wild within its first month and the wildest part is that this is the best I've been doing in school. Ever. The thing is I love going to school, I'm just never good at it. I hope to stay in school for the rest of my life honestly.

As the school year started, I've been shedding my summer with it and this sadly meant my departure from ethantheboyfriend. We left it on incredibly good terms which is rather out of the ordinary for me. Most of my breakups end in a bout of tears followed by months of pent up resentment towards each other. I rehearsed my breakup speech over and over again too and none of it went as planned, I hoped for more anger. I know how to work with anger as opposed to understanding. Anyways, I'm doing good after this ending; there are some random bouts of emptiness that are all superficial however. I'm doing good. I'm doing good. I've been around the block with breaking up (only in the corner of being the instigator however), and have just been focusing on myself which sounds corny, but in essence is quite nice. Thinking bout writing an actual blogpost about this though due to the various relationships How Fitting has encountered and how seemingly cavalierly they seem to end.

Going off that topic, I've finally decided I've got to start writing on this at least once every two weeks again. I know I know I say this over and over again but I honestly need to. In all honestly, How Fitting has been the only real constant in my life (exaggeration: I mean my hobbies/work) since I was thirteen years old and that seems a shame to drop. There's so many holes from when I dropped this site during my mass of depression last year and that's not particularly cool!

What have I been doing what have I been doing: Mad Sounds has been a big thing recently. Meaning I'm writing for them every week which is *crazy*. It's a lot. Along with that is my recent post on Written Citizen about Christian Siriano SS17 because OHMYGOD I went to fashion week and didn't even talk about it (which I do every year but somehow didn't get around to ???) !! My NYFW outfits (which is long long overdue) should be up tomorrow. This is a high level of disorganization I'm going crazy over.
Anyways, I've missed this space as always. Let's see how this goes.

(also hope this signature change is appreciated due to the amount of MySpace aesthetic websites I had to visit to make this)

kick me in the face please it’ll make whatever i say sound like poetry

Yet another post where John takes photographs of me and Sam and I look about the same in every single one. On Saturday, John and Sam came over and we walked to town to get my hair cut because I had yet another over the trash can haircut that needed to be a wee bit corrected. We then got pizza and hair dye and I basically felt sorry for myself because of my hair.

me looking slightly like a stereotypical manic pixie dream girl

sam wrote out "pop punk pizza" in tribute to jarrod alonge (but completely forgot the last word)

we brought john's penny board to the park and i really have no clue what sam is doing 

john and i going ham on just dance

sam being an angsty teen and me sniffing a flower?

pretty typical post. I have cute friends and they take cute photos and I'm slightly cute. 

It Was Beautifully Depressing

   The past couple days have flown by so quickly I feel whiplash. My middle school life ended with more of a fizzle than a bang as the dinner dance came on Tuesday and then all of a sudden I was ejected into graduation where I was sleep deprived, sniffly, and couldn't get a grip on the fact that this was reality.
   Though I would absolutely love to bash the eighth grade dinner dance because I'm angsty teen who is incapable of appreciating anything, I actually had quite a nice time. One of my best friends, John, and I went as dates or "secret lovers" as I joked and a couple hours before, Emma, Sophia, Samantha, and I all got together at Emma's and prepped which included me throwing on my dress, applying makeup, and then spending the next hour snuggling with Emma's cat. John and Emma's boyfriend, Eli, then came over and we proceeded to take about a million pictures where I either looked super pissed or just downright stupid. The actual night was filled with a ton of dancing where I was super grateful I wore my Doc Martens instead of heels!

(left to right) Emma, Sam, Sophia, and me

(left to right) Eli, Emma, Samantha, Sophia, me, and John

My favorite picture from the night- John and I look tré cute.

   Graduation was a complete blur. For starters, I was extraordinarily sleep deprived from the dinner dance and going to New York City on Monday so I was running on low energy and everything was rather slow and sluggish for me but I walked down the aisle of my middle school gym, sat down, and looked pretty for an hour before going home and crashing. One thing that actually made me grateful for going to the tedious ceremony was the sense of community I felt. I never really realized how many people I really do like at my school up until I realized many of us won't be talking to each other very often next year. I had a pretty surreal conversation with my ex-best friend inside Starbucks afterwards and though both of us are extremely different people, it was nice to catch up with her since I plan on the two of us not having much interaction next year. 

   As great as the dinner dance and that A+ nap I took on graduation day, nothing beats that first real day of Summer vacation. At around five, John, Emma, Samantha, Eli, and I all met up at a park in my town and had a pretty rad picnic consisting of a "brownie cake" by me (aka I made brownies and they all crumbled together), Pasta thanks to John, red velvet cupcakes that got flipped upside down made by Sam, fruit, and Thin Mints both provided by Emma and Eli. After laying down on the hill and eating, we packed up and began to explore the creek by the park. Emma and I basically followed along as the guys and Sam led us down to "the dark dark cave" which we decided not to explore in the end for no one wanted to ruin their shoes.

Our lovely picnic (featuring that A+ brownie cake)

View of the beginning of the creek. 

Eli explaining how to get out using the rocks on the side (this caused a lot of drama for me since I wasn't able to get myself out).

Samantha and John stepping on the rocks.

   The night ended at my house where the five of us curled up on the floor of my bedroom and talked. Eli then insisted going on the roof right outside the room and John followed along as Sam, Emma, and I just watched the gorgeous scene.

John on the roof.

   Things have been going quite fast and it's seriously hard to believe that summer has finally come because to be honest, I'm not really sure how I feel about it.

Youth Without Youth

    I'm not usually the person who enjoys being with others. I mainly push anyone away who wants to hang out and would much rather spend a day in my bedroom, alone, than out with friends. To sum it up, I'm a giant introvert. But Wednesday was just one of those exceptions.
   I'm sitting on the floor next to Sophia and John in his bedroom. Sam is up on a chair and Eli and Emma are laying down on a twin bed John converted into a couch. "Harry Potter and The Goblet Of Fire" is playing and Emma and I discuss the beauty of the Weasley family as Sophia whines about how we're talking too loud she can't concentrate. Eli thinks it's funny to criticize the entire thing for it gets all of us (with the exception of John since he's never read the books) angry as he laughs about something no one cares about. The entire scene is just so calm and nice and makes me feel like everything is fine because it really is.
   Later on, John begins playing Grimes records as I go through his collection and muse about why Blue  by Joni Mitchell is a must listen though I am aware that no one is convinced. We choreograph some ridiculous dance and discuss the dinner dance which is in only a week (I'm going with John as friends or as I like to joke, "secret lovers") and I realize that people can actually be good company.

(Left to right) Sophia, Samantha, Emma, and Eli

Sam, Emma, John, and Eli on the steps outside Sophia's house

"make a serious face"

I continue to think this is cutest picture I've taken of my friends

John's bedroom

"pretend your on the cover of an indie album" (taken by John)

Most Of Us Are Heaving Through Corrupted Lungs

 

I don't like change. I don't like it when a show's main plot changes or a character dies. I don't like new schools or houses or rooms. I find security in stability and have a need to keep it that way or else my world temporarily crashes down on me. A whole lot change has been going on in the past couple weeks. A smaller piece was Parks and Recreation and how Mark left (I'm currently on season three) which had me upset for a good hour until I got over it but the change that has messed me up to the point of sleepless nights, anxiety filled days, and overall clingyness is even the thought of next year. As school comes to a close for the summer, the days I have left of middle school dwindle down. I don't know why I all of a sudden feel this way. I mean I hate middle school. I don't particularly like any teachers aside from about one or two and they're really isn't anything in the actual building I'm going to miss. It's the people. All the wonderful personalities and traits about my friends are beautiful and I don't want to let them go ever. I finally have found a friend group I am secure and happy in and I am aware that these relationships will fall apart within the next couple months. I don't want to lose Emma who's going to private school next year or John or Nate or Sophia or Sam or anyone. I want to be in my own bubble with these people where change cannot touch us and I've made it important to myself that I really cherish the people I am surrounded by in this moment for at one point, I will have to let them go.

We Were Just Two Lovers Crying On Each Other's Shoulders

   I will start this off by apologizing for not having written one of these in weeks. I guess I had to clear my head or (insert some lame excuse here) or maybe it was that I am just so drained on what to write about in here anymore. I want to say things are going good but I'm not sure that's the right way to put everything, I feel secure in my friend group at school just it seems as though every other relationship I used to have outside is crumbling. I haven't talked to some of my internet friends in weeks. Months even. Which breaks my heart for I don't understand how two people can go from talking every day to barely even texting "hey".
   I want to do so many things yet when it really comes down to actually accomplishing anything, I can't leave my house or room or bed. One positive thing did happen last week though. I got an email from Nordstrom saying I made it onto the 2014-2015 fashion board! I was super shocked by all of it and am equally anxious and excited to get started. Other than that, not much else has happened within the past couple weeks. My days mainly consist of binge watching "Criminal Minds" and listening to Hazel Hayes and Tom Law's cover of "Ghosts" on repeat.

Spring Photo Shoot

 

 On Monday, me, Monica, and Ava got together and took some gorgeous pictures in the village. It was one of the most fun things I've done in awhile and Ava took some gorgeous shots!

...

I Think The Universe Is On My Side

I'm just really happy at the moment. I mean this came out of nowhere and all of a sudden, everything is wonderful. My hair has gotten down to a decent length and I have decided to keep it short. The past couple months have consisted with being horribly upset over my hair length to the point where I can't think of anything else and sometimes, I just have to back away. 

My friends are some of the best people ever. The days we hang out consist of mostly sitting in the field by a playground by the school. We sometimes run around and play games and just feel weightless. On Friday, we went to Emma's and baked cookies. John, Sam, Emma, and I sat in in her backyard and swing on the creaky play set and everything just felt like it was coming together really really perfectly.

Sunday Diary: I like

The three of us are sitting in the corner of my bedroom. Our only light source are the multi colored fairy lights hanging off one of my walls and the glow of my laptop as I squint to read chords as Frannie and Emma pull it away from me to see lyrics. My ukulele is on my lap and I'm strumming quickly as my head bobs back and forth and my voice is mixing in with Emma and Frannie's. The three of us are singing Home or Little Talks or Vienna or some other song that was a compromise with our very diverse music tastes. I don't even exactly care what I'm belting out for I am lost in the moment. The fact that my singing is horrid and I have no idea what the hell the beat is doesn't seem to matter. We originally started out trying to assign parts of who sings when but it has gotten to the point in which we have decided to go with "sing when you feel the vibe". I constantly have to pause strumming for the ridiculously large homemade flower crown on my head is slipping off and Frannie laughs at how "chill" (as she says) we look with the headbands I made for all three of us. I like this moment. I like singing and I like my bedroom and I like the ukulele on my lap. Most of all, not only do I like Frannie and Emma, I love them.